We are cordially informed that our child wants to punch his father’s booby and take it away and put it on the wall. Just what is a parent to say. Last week he got his dad in a headlock; the result? His father could not move his head properly for a [...]
The World of Children – No.10. My son, the leading manufacturer of snot in the UK
I have been stuck inside the flat for a week…a week and 1 day. My only respite is sticking my head outside an open window. Nobody comes by because they are afraid of being infected by what appears to be the world’s longest running cold. We two have been cell mates for [...]
The World of Children – No.9. How not to carry a baby
My toddler started the morning by flicking his head. When I asked what was wrong he said,
“It’s bothering my head.”
“What’s bothering your head?”
“The brain.”
Having sorted that out we moved onto the ongoing saga of mummy kangaroo and baby kangaroo. These cardboard cutouts (painstaking crafted at one of our local mother and toddler sessions) [...]
The World of Children – No.8. My ass is a Lethal Weapon (and toilet training is pants)
Who the hell invented thongs? Who wants to walk around with a piece of material stuck in their arsecrack? As you walk around it cuts into you and gets progressively closer to guillotining you in half. It’s like having a permanent wedgie. In the words of Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon 485) [...]
The World of Children – No.7. Boy attempts to buy friend at 99p store
I’m addicted to the 99p Store. Yeah, I said it. I don’t have time for retail snobbery. I’ve even bought underwear there. I stop in there at every given opportunity and I am totally incapable of passing one. My affliction extends to Poundlands as well. I have picked up [...]
The World of Children – No.6. Crotching for beginners
My toddler son has stepped things up a level. He appears to have fallen in love with the wrong girl. There’s two reasons why she’s the wrong girl; number 1, she appears to suffer from congenital misery and whinyness (there’s enough whinyness in my household. I think we’ve exceeded this year’s quota [...]
The World of Children – No.5. Mummy’s Boom Boom with men in pants
What is literature doing to me?
I’m really into comics at the moment… ahem graphic novels I mean. I fear I am going through an early midlife crisis. I don’t have the energy to go out and buy a motorbike so when I have a spare moment I just sit and read comics. [...]
The World of Children – No.3. What’s up with that Makka Pakka?
He’s got obsessive compulsive disorder, always toddling around with his Og-Pog, soap and sponge. It still hasn’t encouraged my boy into domestic ways (apart from a bit of over-zealous sweeping with the dustpan and brush which he invariably gets bored of ). To the task of picking his nose? utter diligence though. [...]
The World of Children – No.2. Boy forces penguins to eat chicken goujons
He only eats Rice Crispies for breakfast at the moment and practically gags if I put anything red near his plate. He loves pasta but as most sauces are tomato based this creates quite a problem. Today I dared to offer him chicken goujons. Despite his 2 week abstinence from meat I [...]
