Modern Day Dilemmas – No.14. Crochet crew drops stitch like it’s hot

What’s all this about hoodies? Recently I visited my local library, there was a teenage boy with his mates happily sat there… knitting… KNITTING… IN PUBLIC! Unless he was knitting a hoodie I see him as no threat at all. Then again, the persona of toughness and percieved machismo has been known to partner itself with the most unlikely crazes. Kojak used to suck a lollipop but you wouldn’t mess with him would you? As a nod to that teenagers have been known to wander the streets with lollipops and dummies stuck in their sullen gobs and I am informed that crochet has become quite a thing among the hip-hop glitterati. Someone told me that Kanye West had a bit of a love affair with the old doilie crew. Bear in mind that old wrinklies knit in their armchairs. They’re not hard enough to leave the privacy of their own homes but are kids today challenging one another to a kind of public knit-off? It’s like saying, ‘I’m so cool I can even do this…and still look cool.’ Hug a hoodie? No, give ‘em a good bit of yarn and a stabbing implement and they’re away.

A few days ago I found myself having a whole discussion about the term ‘hoodie’ with my mother. As she saw her 30 something neighbour leave his building with his hood up she wondered if that was enough to qualify him as a hoodie. When he returned half an hour later with his pre-teen daughter in tow she concluded that he was not a hoodie. I struggled to quantify in few digestible words what a hoodie actually was. My dad, who is clearly more street than I, chipped in, “I wear my hood up sometimes and I’m not a hoodie am I?” That just about summed it up. Perhaps it’s all a kind of subtle bravado again. Forgive me, I’m not as ‘down wiv de yout’ as I would like to be but I am well informed that they allow the crotch of their pants to hang down by their kneecaps because, rather than rely on belts, the waistband may comfortably rest on the ample size of their penis. Is there a heirachy when it comes to the size of your knitting needle? If so, what does that say about the crochet crew? Why is it that men spend so much time thinking about their knobs anyway? If they’re not doing that then they’re spending an awful lot of energy ribbing their mates about being gay, trying not to be gay themselves or trying not to give off the appearance of gayness. It all amounts to the same thing. I suppose that’s why they dangle their pants off their knobs and buy big cars. No wonder they can’t multi-task, they’re too busy ruminating about that bit of dangling flesh between their legs. I don’t spend all my time thinking about my lady bits do I? By the way I’m not a feminist and I find Kanye West quite interesting really. If the crochet rumour is true then he’s welcome to come round my place with his little needle any time.

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