I question why I am dreaming about celebrities so much. My boyfriend instantly has an answer to that question. He says it’s because I watch the E! channel. This in part is true, I must admit that I do watch it sometimes, probably far too much than I should. There’s something [...]
My World of Dreams – No.10. Unsexy and the City; sexual death by knicker elastic
I’m at a 2nd hand store trying to get a comic book out of a pile. On the floor paintings are laid up against one another. What is this sudden unconscious obsession with paintings? A priceless one smudges and rubs off. I have a suspicion that I did it but pretend [...]
My World of Dreams – No.9. Funny business with Blu Tack
I’m in a Canadian department store showroom with the manager. There is a bed. Above the bed is a picture hung by a long length of string. now where do 2 huge bits of Blu Tack come into it? Does this speak of my long surviving compulsion to scavenge every last [...]
The World of Children – No.9. How not to carry a baby
My toddler started the morning by flicking his head. When I asked what was wrong he said,
“It’s bothering my head.”
“What’s bothering your head?”
“The brain.”
Having sorted that out we moved onto the ongoing saga of mummy kangaroo and baby kangaroo. These cardboard cutouts (painstaking crafted at one of our local mother and toddler sessions) [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.20. Grand Theft Auto does not drive me to murder but Championship Manager does
Oh the irony; violence at the opening of the new Grand Theft Auto game. Over dinner I quickly found myself in a debate with my other half about the subject. I found myself arguing over the spirit of the game the main aim of which appears to be to tactically find ways of [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.18. Spam and boxing and the joys of David Haye
I’m glad that cuffing people in the head is fashionable again. I don’t like to see Sky buying up all the rights to show all major sporting events. Ordinary viewers have a right to watch people cuffing one another without having to pay extra for it. Boxing was part of my world [...]
The World of Children – No.8. My ass is a Lethal Weapon (and toilet training is pants)
Who the hell invented thongs? Who wants to walk around with a piece of material stuck in their arsecrack? As you walk around it cuts into you and gets progressively closer to guillotining you in half. It’s like having a permanent wedgie. In the words of Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon 485) [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.17. Hanging the hat where the hand can’t reach
Collectively, as a nation, we don’t have much cash at the moment. The economy’s up shit creek and what do we do? We go out and spend money that we don’t have. We’re losing our jobs, our homes, our security and yet every bank holiday weekend we’re out desperately trying to spend [...]
So I’m Northern, So What? – No.4. Is it because I smell of wee?
… or is it because it’s become fashionable to have a face like a smacked arse? Are we all so frightened of being blown up/having our houses repossessed/getting stabbed by hoodies? Is that why the majority of us city folk can’t crack a smile and pass the time of day, even when we [...]
