I can only conclude that I am being punished for a comment that I made in one of my earlier posts, within which I questioned the purpose of flies, for since then a fly has entered my home and will not leave. It has been here for about 2 days and, despite the fact [...]
So I’m Northern, so what? – No.3. I’ve had enough Londoners up my arse to form a small community.
In fact, my arse should appear on a new revised version of the British map because in terms of population size it’s right up there with Romford, Cheshunt and Broxbourne. What is this need to be right up my backside when I’m waiting for a bus, boarding a bus or on the bus? [...]
My World of Dreams – No.4. Brangelina on my pillow
Last night it was Brangelina’s turn to be in my dreams. By the way, which media hackwit thought that one up? Bloody genius. No really, I mean it. What better way to capture the pure essence of modern day celebrity worship and journalistic laziness than to encapsulate two beings into one [...]
My World of Dreams – No.3. Chris Brown on an ambulance, LL Cool J coming through my window
Last night I dreamt that the delicious LL Cool J kept climbing through my kitchen window. Unfortunately I was repeatedly distracted by a knife block that kept falling over. I also have the sneaking suspicion that, although I was myself, I was inside my hairdressers body. Chris Brown was having problems, laying [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.11. Bloody feral clipboard people
The other day I found myself dodging three different sets of clipboard people. No, I don’t want any mobile phone shit. No, I don’t want to change electricity companies. No, I don’t want to change internet service provider. I was only out for half an hour. All I wanted was [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.10. While the left hand’s wanking
I have come to the conclusion that if I can’t sleep it’s because; a) I don’t need to, b) The universe doesn’t want me to or c) sleeping’s for fools anyway. During this contemplative state last night I found myself instantly struck with the question, ‘what is the point of flies?’ before my mind meandered [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.9. Mini-bike, mini-balls
Wankturd, turdy turdy wankturd. That’s what you lot are, and by you lot I mean those of you who ride around on those pathetic turdy little mini-bike thingys. Thanks to one of you lot I got about 2 hours sleep last night because you decided to turdroll yourself down my street at 3.35 [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.8. Fuck fruit, it’s making me ill
I didn’t eat any fruit yesterday which means I’m gonna have to eat 10 portions to make up for it today. There’s a banana going black on the table, the others have got spots, the apples are so wrinkled they bring a whole new meaning to the name Granny Smiths and there’s about a [...]
Modern Day Dilemmas – No.7. Foreign stuff in my bathroom
Whatever happened to bog standard stuff? This morning I noticed my toothpaste was running out. When I looked up onto the bathroom shelf I noticed that there was a tube there after all but I didn’t recognise it. To my horror it wasn’t my normal one. It was this weirdy one [...]
